POI POLLOI

by Lorraine Brodek | May 7, 2014 | Blog

Poi seems to be the #1 traditional food of almost all Hawaiians and is considered to be “the staff of life” on the islands–with beer running a close second.

If you’ve never had the opportunity to sample poi, I am here to provide a bit of history on how this finger-food originated. It is made from Taro (or kalo) which is a broad-leafed plant that loves its feet wet and prefers eastern Maui. The East Maui Taro Festival was held in Hana this past weekend and Boy! (rhymes with poi) did I learn a lot. First off, poi is serious business in Hawaii and is a main ingredient in their culture. Legends abound here and Hawaiians take them to heart. Make a fist with your right hand and pound it just above your heart and smile. It seems that the first Hawaiian was a guy named Haloa. Mythology claims that his spirit came from the Taro plant as did all the natives themselves. But that did not necessarily make them vegetarians because they also love cooked pig and Spam. When poi is served with the meal, you’d better not be arguing or talking about Auntie Peni or Uncle Wene in a mean way. You’d better be thinking happy thoughts. Thus the Taro Festival is a celebration of the Hawaiian culture bringing the young and old and uninformed and hungry together all in one ballpark.

We mainlanders (those coming from the continental U.S.) think the definition of “poi” is: “No taste” and/or “Paste.” I need to bring Dave Barry into the discussion here. I just love Dave Barry and his Christopher Robin haircut. But to spare him embarrassment, we’ve never met. However, in his new hilarious book, he talks about hominy and how it sounds like a disease. Now the reason I bring this up is that to me poi is in the same food group as hominy. Another food that should be in there is grits. Husband Tom’s mother came from Alabama where grits is revered. Now it just seems to me that “yes” these names do conjure up illness. Like..”I don’t feel like standing here and talking now, I’ve got the grits.” or “I should have gotten my vaccination at WalMart. I think I’ve caught Poi.” In this case, it does not mean Penguins on Ice.

So I know while you’re reading this that you can hardly stand the wait any longer..how is poi made? I don’t think you’re going to find these culinary tools at Williams Sonoma. First, you’re going to need a poi pounder. The stone material for a pounder is basalt. When you Google this word, you’re going to see big words like aphanitic igneous, feldspathoid, plagioclase. Somehow, I don’t think the ancient Hawaiians cared about any of this geology mumbo-jumbo. They just used lava rocks. Then they sculpted them into knobbed pounders which look like the shape of 1/2 of a bull’s testicles (please see my blog on “Pasture Golf”). Apologies for this graphic description, but a lot in the Hawaiian culture can be phallic or has sexual overtones..as in their hula, their chants and their pounders. That’s why we mainlanders love going to a luau, but we usually pass on the poi.

The next thing you’re going to need is something to pound your poi on. It’s usually a hand-carved board made out of the wood of a Milo tree or Kou tree (which is also a great wood for making canoes). Were these guys major hunters and gatherers or what..bare-footin’ it while chanting their way through the jungle, in their string Speedo loin cloths and carrying out trees the size of canoes and chunks of lava for pounders? Wow! And we complain when we have to walk 1/2 mile pushing a shopping cart loaded with a year’s worth of food in the CostCo parking lot.

You always have to wonder who was the first guy to say, “Hey! Let’s dig up that plant over there with the big leaves.” Then..”Oh! Look at that dirty hunk of something underneath. I have an idea. Let’s cook it and eat it.” I would not be that person. But thank goodness those kinds of people were out there running around and foraging and discovering potatoes, peanuts, carrots, beets and all manner of dirt-covered edible underground stuff.

So get in there and dig up that big Taro tuber and steam it (traditionally in an underground oven–Hawaiians love cooking underground). Then you find a sharp seashell (preferably opihi) and peel the root, cut it into chunks and put it on the carved wooden Milo board.

This is where a bit of energy and musical rhythm comes in..thump, whump, slap. Grab your pounder and start kneading and smooshing the root with an occasional pause to dip your fingers into a nearby wooden water bowl and sprinkle some water on the taro so it won’t get too sticky. This also controls the consistency. Not one pair of plastic gloves did I see worn by the poi makers at the festival. I just had to have faith and believe that the pounder’s hands had been where they should have been.

After about ten minutes of whacking and whumping, poi was created. I have never been one to spark to gray food, but that was the color of the gooey mass that resulted. Plus it really did look like a pile of what you find in a cow pasture. So I had to channel my inner “yum” and forget what it looked like. And then I had to be careful how I ate it. How to eat poi: dip and lick..only with your fingers. Use just two of them..preferably the index and middle finger. Don’t use three–that’s gluttonous.

My final suggestion is that you follow up your finger-lickin’ poi with a swig of beer. Then you can pour a little on your fingers and lick that, too.

THE DT’s (Driving Test or Delirium Tremens)

by Lorraine Brodek | Apr 30, 2014 | Blog

 The tattered, barely readable words in black ink written on top of another illegible sign is scotch-taped above the multi-painted brown door. “Driver License Division” announces that you are at the right place. An old school-house desk sits just outside the open door revealing a closet-sized office and the happy, smiling Hana “Driver License” lady, Leimomi (which means string of pearls in Hawaiian). “Next victim,” she giggles.

Resident drivers in the state of Hawaii are required to take a written test. Yes. Hawaii is the 50th state and it actually uses American currency and has the same governmental rules and regs. Just don’t think that because you move to Maui that you can drive your Woody, wave wagon or 4-Runner around with a California “Dreamin” driver’s license in your wet suit. You’d be dreamin’.

So as a public service, I’m going to provide a brief tutorial. I visited the internet “Home Page” from the Hawaiian Dept. of Transportation. They tell me that I can study all of the 171 practice test questions. Now..first off..what’s with the 171? Why can’t it be an even number like 180 divisible by 30=6 tests. If you divide 171 by 30, you get 5.7 tests to practice on and that means you’re short-changed on one of them and dontcha know those will be the very questions showing up on your “for real, fail or go to jail” test. Couldn’t they think of 9 other questions? Or less? 171 is a lot of questions. Oh wait..the Home Page says that it’s providing 12 different tests for me to practice on. All-righty then–just make it 168 questions divided equally makes 14 tests to practice on. Geez! Now for the final warning: “You can only miss 5 questions.” 5 questions?! How about 6 questions–a 20% flub-rate would be a normal ‘B’ grade–right? Okay, so here goes:

Instructions: “All questions are multiple-choice. Each answer in this interactive test have explanations why something is right or wrong.” (That sentence needs a grammatical touch-up.) And I don’t need an explanation if I get the answer right for heaven’s sake–I get it. “Therefore you will be learning as you take the test. Good luck.” Of course, they wish me good luck because then I’ll write a check to the Dept. of Finance for $22.

Now here are the for-real, I’m not kidding, honest-to-God questions. The only answer that’s not for real is #5 (that’s my obvious suggested answer). Let’s get started:

#14. The boss chews you out just before quitting time. You don’t say much, but You think he is unfair and You are angry! When You get to your car you should:
1. Play the radio loud, so You won’t think about it.
2. Drive fast on the Interstate so You can let off steam.
3. Take a few minutes to cool off before You drive home.
4. Stop in your favorite bar and have a few drinks before driving home.
5. Start looking for another job.
P.S. The state’s “comments” says: “Better to be ‘cooled off’ as a live person than to be a ‘cold’ dead body in a morgue.

#43. Certain highway signs and markings require that you must obey the indicated instruction. Such signs are known as:
1. Regulatory signs.
2. Information signs.
3. Warning signs.
4. Guide signs.
5. Who the heck cares what kind of sign it is. If the sign says “Stop,” Stop! Just obey it already.

#51. Edgelines are solid____or____lines along the edges of the roadway to be used as a safety quide to mark the limits of the traveled way.
1. Yellow; white
2. Orange; white
3. Red; white
4. Green; white
5. They could be bright blue;white for all we care. Just don’t drive over the edge and off the cliff.

#71: Pedestrian signals consist of the lighted words “WALK” and “DON’T” WALK” and the symbols of a walking person and an upraised palm. A steady “DON’T WALK” or upraised palm signal means:
1. Pedestrians must not enter the roadway toward the signal.
2. Pedestrians already in the intersection facing the signal may continue to the nearest sidewalk, traffic island or safety zone.
3. Pedestrians already in the intersection facing the signal must RUN to the nearest sidewalk.
4. Both 1 and 2 above.
5. It says “DON’T WALK”! If you can’t read that, you probably need to enroll in a state literacy class.

#88. A few drinks after work before driving home:
1. Is good because you miss the rush hour traffic.
2. Is good because they help to release the day’s tension and make you a safer driver.
3. Should be avoided because they may make you a dangerous driver.
4. Never hurt anyone.
5. Is good because it’s answer #4 in question #14.

#94: Drugs may interfere with a person’s ability to drive safely:
1. Only if the drugs are prescribed by a doctor.
2. Only when taken while drinking.
3. Only when driving at night.
4. And it is important to ask your doctor about any effects that the prescribed drugs may have on your driving ability.
5. And it is important to ask your doctor if he drinks and takes drugs.

#96. The effect that alcohol has on your reflexes and judgment:
1. Is less if you were only drinking beer.
2. Is less if you were only drinking wine.
3. Is greater if you were drinking whiskey or hard liquor.
4. Depends on the amount of alcohol in your blood stream.
5. Is less if you drive home really fast before the alcohol has a chance to take effect.

#103. You are driving behind another vehicle. You notice that the driver is driving with one hand, talking to a passenger. You as a driver:
1. Know that you should give the vehicle ahead extra room.
2. Know that the driver in the vehicle ahead is reducing his safety margin by being an inattentive driver.
3. Know the you should avoid this bad habit.
4. All of the above.
5. Know that the driver could be an amputee and is missing a hand.

#105. An arrogant driver is a driver who:
1. Is purposely in a hurry, competing with other traffic,
2. Shows little or no respect for traffic laws, or the way of others.
3. You should try to avoid when driving.
4. All of the above.
5. Drives a Lamborghini Aventador or a Ferrari F12berlinetta or a Hummer H1.

#137. You wish to exit the freeway, but have missed your exit ramp. You should:
1. Back up on the shoulder to get onto your exit ramp.
2. Turn around on the shoulder and drive on the shoulder to your exit.
3. Cut across the grass to your exit.
4. Continue driving to your next exit.
5. Say “Oh #*%#!” because you know your next exit is ten #*%#ing more miles down the road.

#148. You are driving down a hill and notice a heavy vehicle fast approaching from behind. You should:
1. Pay no attention as heavy vehicles always speed down hills.
2. Know that you have the right of way and it is the truck driver’s responsibility to miss you.
3. Know that you may have to move out of the heavy vehicle’s way.
4. Drive on the right side of the highway and slow down.
5. Be grateful you’re not on the Los Angeles’ #405 or you’ll be dead.

#149. When passing a large vehicle a driver of a small vehicle must be prepared for:
1. A loud noise.
2. Excess air pollution.
3. Wind gusts produced by the large vehicle.
4. Falling vehicle parts.
5. Overflowing cement or roofing tar, flying asphalt or possible oil tanker explosion.

Now these sample questions above are just a dozen out of the 171. The good news is that I only missed one answer out of 30 for a .033333% error rate. And what is the question that I flubbed, you might ask. Here it is:

#44. Certain highway signs and markings contain information about hazardous conditions. Such signs are known as:
1. Regulatory signs.
2. Information signs.
3. Warning signs.
4. Guide signs.

Isn’t this the same question as #43? Not quite. Well, question #44 says that the signs contain information, so I put an “X” on answer #2. Wrong! Do not pass “Go.” It’s answer #3. So I’m here to warn you. Be sure to study up before taking your driving test in the ‘Aloha State.’ The friendliest thing about my DT experience was Leimomi, the Hana “Driver License” lady. You’re going to love her laugh (when you get a wrong answer) and her hours are posted.

PASTURE GOLF

by Lorraine Brodek | Apr 15, 2014 | Blog

The great thing about living where your mind can wander and your body roam free, is that you can come up with stupid/fun ideas that are still legal and you’re not institutionalized. Such is Pasture Golf..but this game could ONLY have been created by the male of the species. In Hana, it’s called being a member of the PGA. It’s a private, invitation-only, immature boys (that’s redundant) club. It requires a minimal degree of skill–trust me on this–dress code optional, a fast pair of legs and a lot of balls. As in two bags full. Also two rusty clubs–no Big Berthas allowed because of Hazard #4: lava rocks. A guy can jam his elbow right up into his rotator cuff due to the reverberation factor if his club hits hard rock instead of softer ball. BOING-nG-nG-G! OW!

All the guys have nicknames to protect their identity. I’ll give you Tom’s: it’s BLT..not the sandwich..but as in “Big Little Tommy.” Don’t ask, don’t tell. So the PGA goes something like this: BLT goes down to the pasture to join Pinky, Pa, The Rabbi, Whitey, Crash, MacCheezy, RockyRolly..or whosoever might be playing that day. Bubba and Tiger are not members. The group is held to no more than seven or eight because it can get unruly and takes too long to play the course. Everyone wants to get back to the broken tail gate to “wine-toast” the winner, followed by the chest-bump-high-five-grunt-grunt ritual. The winner is the guy who loses the most balls. On average, the minimum ball loss is: two balls per hole.

Oh…did I mention this is a bull pasture. Hazard #1: Black bulls, brown bulls, mean geezer bulls, young, horny bulls. This is the “stupid” part in the whole PGA idea. There’s no fixing stupid. And..oh..#2: there’s a water hazard–like almost the entire eastern shore of the Pacific ocean. It washes and sprays against the lava cliffs just below the pasture with the golfers and a lot of bulls. Or maybe it should be the pasture and golfers with a lot of bull. Winds can be Hazard #3: trade winds, high velocity Kona winds (emanating from the big island of Hawaii) or breezes zipping down from the Haleakala (Holly-ah-ka-la) volcano which is dormant. This means it hasn’t erupted since 1790, but that could be hear-say because who’s here now to say otherwise?

The pasture is a four- can/cup course–give or take a rusted water trough or coconut pile. Speaking of piles, if your ball lands in a cow pie (and/or bull cake), it’s a hole-in-one. The first hole is a big red cup on a stick. The second hole is a Bud (weizer..not “Lite”) can on a stick. The third hole is a Coors can on a stick..and so it goes. The cans/cups have to be empty, so that means drinking is involved. I bet you’re shocked. If you hit an egret, it’s a birdie. If you hit a bull, it’s a double bogie. That’s where the fast legs come in. It’s also a way to keep a running turnover in membership, so some other non-thinker-drinkers can join. The term “golf widow” comes to mind here.

It was a good PGA day this week. BLT arrived back home without injury, got his handicap down to a 25, but I made him take his boots off in the driveway. It had rained the night before in the pasture making all the pies and cakes soggy. He was really happy because they got to play two rounds of the four-can course with ONLY one cowitus interruptus. He also won the bottle of wine because he was the last man standing with no balls.

FURLOUGH FRIDAY

by Lorraine Brodek | Apr 4, 2014 | Blog

Today is Furlough Friday…but it’s really Wednesday. Husband Tom loves Furlough Friday on a Wednesday because..ta da..it’s trash day! That means he gets to gather up all of our trash (including recycle stuff–I hear the clanking of wine, vodka and beer bottles now). He also gets to use duct tape and stick it on each super-duper-jumbo-CostCo-size plastic garbage bag on which he uses his giant black marker pen to write our property number. Then he loads all the black bags into the back of “his” Polaris Ranger and drives one mile down the jungle road to the Hana Highway and puts them next to Hana Herbs’ flower stand. The happy county trash guys will come down the road in Hana’s one garbage truck, scoop up all the bags and head to the most beautiful dump on this planet. More on that in another blog.

But I do want to revisit how today (Wednesday) is Furlough Friday. About two years ago during the budget-cut crisis on Maui, the county decided that they would cut trash pick-up by one day a month thus saving a bundle of “moni” (money) by putting our two local trash guys out of work for one day a month. They put a new plan in place. It went something like this: each month trash would be picked up on alternating Thursdays and Fridays. However, some months have five Fridays, so in that case it would be a Wednesday and the final Friday would be a furlough. Now if the month had four Fridays, then it would be picked up on a Tuesday. I don’t want to say anything, but this sounds a little weed whacked to me, as in too much “paca lolo” (Maui Wowie). I bet even the geniuses at the Mac Apple bar couldn’t figure this out.

So..long “talk-story” short (pidgin-speak)..this past year, the county has now figured out how to pay our trash guys because people were all confused and leaving their pizza, Spam and huli huli chicken nuggets by the side of the road every which day but Sunday which caused the wild pigs to be in hog heaven upon discovering a great new food source besides grubs and centipedes.

So now there’s peace in paradise once again because it’s Furlough Friday on a Wednesday and I have a happy husband who got to use more duct tape, his giant magic marker and drive “his” Polaris Ranger down through the jungle!

SO MANY FLOWERS, SO LITTLE TIME.

by Lorraine Brodek | Apr 4, 2014 | Blog

In my first in the series, I shall be providing some humorous (hopefully) insights into the fun lifestyle of living in Hana, Maui, Hawaii.